Surviving Christmas on a Fertility Journey
Christmas can be a really tough time for a lot of people, and for some it does not represent the most wonderful time of the year.
If you’re on a fertility journey, Christmas may be hard for you. This probably won’t make sense to someone who is not on this journey, it may not make sense to your friends or family, but that doesn’t mean that your feelings are not entirely valid and I promise you that you are not alone.
If you are in the middle of an IVF journey, this is the time of the year that things are put on hold until the new year. This may either be frustrating or is likely to be a welcome reprieve and break to reset before you begin again in the new year.
Christmas can mark the end of another year of trying and not succeeding in falling pregnant, it may also be a time of processing grief after the loss of a baby, the loss of a Christmas that you envisioned to be different. For me, Christmas became a sort of landmark in my journey each year- ‘maybe we will be pregnant by next Christmas’. When that didn’t happen, it was not only hard to process, but it was even harder to be around family members with their babies and children.
Christmas can be a solemn reminder of one of the most pressuring pragmatic factors of a fertility journey, time. On the fertility journey it can feel as though you are running out of time as each year passes. In the clinical reproductive world of statistics and numbers- time and age are things that are focused on. I would like to remind you that there are much more important holistic considerations on a fertility journey than age and time, although they seem daunting. Ask yourself, what is your perception of time and what are you making it mean? Redefining my perception of time on my journey was very impactful for me. It allowed me to just be in the present moment. How can you be more present over these holidays?
How you spend your Christmas is your choice. If you’d rather not spend Christmas with your family, then don’t. If you’d rather get away this year with your partner, do that instead. The fertility journey is a beautiful time to reassess what you need and to learn to say no. You do not need to give an explanation, your loved ones will understand at some level.
It’s entirely normal to experience jealous feelings at this time of the year over family members or friends with their babies, only to then be plagued with shame and guilt for feeling them. Of course, you don’t want to be this angry, jealous person. It’s not like you. So, give yourself a break. If these feelings undoubtedly arise, allow yourself to feel them without judging or reprimanding yourself. Show yourself the compassion you would have for your best friend if they were to express these feelings to you.
I encourage you to be confident in saying no and to expect the respect that you deserve around your decision when it comes to avoiding vulnerable situations over the holidays. Avoid feeling guilty for choosing yourself over others right now.
You simply don’t need to be put into situations in which you need to pretend that everything is OK. Nor do you need to be victim to unsolicited comments or advice like ‘maybe it’ll happen over Christmas when you just relax’ or ‘I know someone who tried this thing and fell pregnant’ I mean, someone once suggested I get a cat and that will help… I’m not even a cat person. If these comments are unavoidable, it may help to be prepared for them and to be armed with a healthy response. This way the comments may not be too surprising and your response will be one that is healthy for you, not for the person on the other end.
Some responses that you could use are things like: ‘Our fertility is our own unique experience’ or ‘Thank you but I don’t need advice, I am doing enough’. How empowering would it feel to respond in this way? These are ways that I came to respond on my journey, and that I wished I had earlier. Don’t be afraid to be kind but firm in your response, remember you are answering to empower yourself, not to please the other person. Your response may also make a subtle change in the culture around fertility and may just make the person, who gave the advice and simply doesn’t know any better, rethink what they said.
Give yourself permission to ditch your usual plan, be open to doing something radical like going on that holiday and even create your own new rituals and traditions. Remembering that it’s only this year for now and that things will be different in the future.
Choose the people that you surround yourself with this year, the people that make you feel heard, seen and respected. The people that understand and show compassion rather than sympathy, the people who you feel comfortable in being vulnerable with.
This may even include the overwhelming world of social media this Christmas! Scrolling social media is likely to make you feel the same way that being in a room full of people that you don’t really want to see does. If you find social media to be anxiety inducing, why not indulge in a social media detox over the holidays? You don’t need to be there right now, you deserve inner peace, rather than the inevitable outward comparison and bombardment that social media is on a fertility journey and over Christmas.
Finally; eat, drink and be merry. How about these holidays you forget all of the ‘rules’ of the fertility journey. Enjoy all of the foods, a few Christmas cocktails if that takes your fancy, and find moments of joy in the big or small things that light you up. There is always room for gratitude this season, for the blessings that you have in your life right now. Whether you’re grateful for your partner, your friends, your family, your fur babies, your home, your incredible body or your health.
I will leave you with this- you can feel any range of emotions for what you grieve or desire and gratitude for what you have at the very same time, and that is OK.
Merry Christmas beautiful woman.
